Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
