Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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