Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
