I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
