i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
