I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
