Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
