So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
