I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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