don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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