Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
