the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
