I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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