Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
