you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
