Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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