What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
