I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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