New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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