There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
