Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to walk on stilts...naked
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Randomize
