he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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