She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize