A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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