I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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