i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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