i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
MIDGETS
????
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
