There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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