Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
