Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
