she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
