I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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