I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
