I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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