it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize