All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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