96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
