I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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