Apparently you make a good broom.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We need a shit load of segways right now
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
