So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize