I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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