She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
