we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
