he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize