They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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