I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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