I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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