So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
