I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
