first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
