It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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