the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
