he puts the penis in happiness.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
