Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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