Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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