Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
