grandma shit on top of the toilet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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