Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You've changed since you got that strap on
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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