he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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