3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Can i not drive my cunt home
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
