Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
