At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
