I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
