My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
